Two Fingers Up (to narcissistic sociopaths)
Two Fingers Up (to Narcissistic Sociopaths)
How I found my strength from people who sought to break me.
I’ve alluded to it before on my Instagram account, but I’ve been unfortunate enough to encounter two serious narcissistic sociopaths in my life. For the most part, they are now nothing more than an unpleasant memory: having found them out I untangled myself and left to find kinder and braver souls to spend my time with.
What does it take to realise the person you thought was going to make your world better is actually breaking you into a thousand useless shards with their every move?
What does it take to leave?
What does it take to fall for the same personality again, when you thought you’d learned your lesson?
What does it take at the end of it all to look back and not hate yourself for staying, for leaving, or for everything they made you take the blame for?
It takes trusting you instincts. It takes going against them because you don’t trust yourself anymore. It takes rebuilding your belief in yourself despite their best efforts.
I’ve kept quiet on this for so long: to protect identities, colleagues, friends, family; everyone except for myself. Keeping all of this inside me, hidden away, goes against every instinct I have - so it’s finally time to start sharing. When you’re in the depths of someone’s gaslighting and you’re scared to speak to anyone because clearly you’ve been made to feel like you’re this terrible person, you start scrambling in the dark for any sign that maybe, just maybe, you’re not so bad after all. This was a time when technology really helped: without Facebook, another girl who’d been attacked by the same person as me wouldn’t have been able to get in touch and forge a friendship based on knowing exactly how it feels to have someone twist your words and throw them back at you. Without Whatsapp I wouldn’t have been sent articles on gaslighting by my friends who could see what was going on, and wanted to help me get out.
I did get out. I’m safe, and I’ve learned this year that my gut instincts are absolutely always right.
But still it’s often on my mind, and the injustice seems to smack me in the face and scream at me, making me feel angry for what they tried to do to me, and for the way it’s led to my silence. That’s why I’m writing this: my creativity is tangled up with my anger and I want to set it free. I no longer want my running and training to be purely a release of emotion and a way to heal: I want it to express the joy I feel at being able to run. I don’t want to pick up a pen and for the first thing I write always to be something with a bitter taste to it. The rest of me is free from what happened, and it’s time to free my mind. I’m sharing this with you because other people’s stories gave me the strength to leave, to show me I wasn’t going mad, and to make me feel less alone. Having just one person who understands, and just one place to go to get away from these personality types, can make all the difference in the world. If I can help just one person by writing this, it’s worth doing.
“Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself” - so I’m here to say that narcissistic sociopaths don’t scare me anymore. I have too much joyful living to do to waste any more time on you.
“Two Fingers Up”
Two fingers up to the one who cheated on me while I was at a friend’s funeral.
Two fingers up to the one who said I was disruptive.
Two fingers up to the one who shouted at me on my birthday.
Two fingers up to the one who told me to stop talking because I was boring.
Two fingers up to the one who read out all the calories in my meals after I’d admitted to an eating disorder.
Two fingers up to the one who said my body wasn’t as good as his.
Two fingers up to the one who said I shouldn’t wear my hair like that.
Two fingers up to the one who said I wasn’t qualified.
Two fingers up to the one who yelled at me right before an important meeting, and made me cry so much I couldn’t go.
Two fingers up to the one who said I should only wear what he picked out for me.
Two fingers up to the one who cheated and said it was my fault.
Two fingers up to the one who abused me and laughed about it.
Two fingers up to the ones who said I always made it about me.
Two fingers up to the one who shouted at me in front of my colleagues.
Two fingers up to the one who pretended everything was his idea.
Two fingers up to the one who said I cheated in the hardest workout I’d ever done.
Two fingers up to the one who impersonated me online.
Two fingers up to the one who stole from me.
Two fingers up to the one who expected me to pay for everything and never, ever paid me back.
Two fingers up to the ones who think flowers and a card full of BS make everything okay.
Two fingers up to the one who took me out for dinner, then charged me for my meal when I wouldn’t take him back.
Two fingers up to the one who lied about having a restraining order against someone…when really she had one against him.
Two fingers up to the one who wrote me abusive messages at 3am.
Two fingers up to the one who threatened to abduct me.
Two fingers up to the vetting officer who thought it was okay to hit on me after I’d left because a colleague abused me.
Two fingers up to the government who fails to protect women but stands behind a serial abuser to this day.
Two fingers up to the ones masquerading as ‘a nice guy’ who declare in private they are really narcissist sociopaths.
Two fingers up to the ones who make us doubt ourselves.
Two fingers up to the ones who make us walk with our heads down.
Two fingers up to the ones who make us think we’re worthless.
Two fingers up to the ones who never, ever said sorry.
Two fingers up as we turn our backs on you, and we walk away.
You can get in touch below, and I’ve also copied a few resources that have helped me and might help you as well.
For a definition of narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-integrationist/201608/narcissist-or-sociopath-similarities-differences-and-signs
For a BBC article on gaslighting and controlling behaviour in a relationship:
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-41915425
To drop me a confidential email: