Thank You, Narcissistic Sociopath

Thank You, Nacissistic Sociopath

“What they saw as faults I know in my gut are my strengths…”

Two years ago I wrote a blog post entitled '“Two Fingers Up” about the two abusive relationships I have had in my life. I wrote it when I was safe, but when the anger from what happened still raged within me. I had moved on but there was still a part of me that felt angry, guilty, and sad every day that I lost so many years to abusive men who show a respectable face to the world, and never ever seem to get their karma.

It’s now 2020, and reading that blog post back made me realise just how far I’ve come over the last two years. Nothing has changed: there have been no sudden arrests or any kind of justice, or karma (that I know of) and yet I read the words and didn’t feel even a hint of anger. Instead I thought, bizarrely perhaps, about gratitude.

Sitting here looking out at the beautiful view, I am grateful for every situation, person and experience. Without them, I wouldn’t be here, in the dream house I wrote about in my 2016 journal (genuinely - the description could not fit this place any better).

I think about the business I’m creating too, with all this wisdom that has come to the fore over the past eight years since the first abuser stepped into - and quickly out of - my life. I don’t know where I’d be if those awful things hadn’t happened, but without them I wouldn’t be here.

For the first time in nearly a decade, I am exactly where I want to be. If I had to go through it all again to get here, I would in a heartbeat.

I now understand what kept me from the depths of despair, what kept getting me out of bed every morning, and why I had to go through three more years of hell after I thought I was free…because there was more I needed to learn before I was ready to share this wisdom.

I think of all the incredible people I got to know during those years, and they were worth the pain. Everything I learned about the human spirit was ignited and reminded me of the unbreakable power we each hold within us. We cannot hope to realise our potential until we come to understand what makes us truly unique. All the times those men shouted at me, tried to bring me down, put me in my place, only served to make me stronger. What they saw as faults I know in my gut are my strengths. I stopped hating them a long time ago, and now all I feel is forgiveness: they are trapped in an ego that will never give them happiness, because the ego will not let them evolve. Their form of joy is putting other people down, and it is a sign of deep-rooted shame that the ego cannot let go of.

I no longer want to give two fingers up to either of these men. If only they’d understood how much strength they were teaching me by treating me as though I was worthless, I doubt they would have given me the time and energy. But they did, and I got out - and now I’m taking the knowledge those situations taught me, and what I know lights a fire in my soul to help as many people as possible to find their worth, trust their gut instincts, and unearth their true potential. So, thank you both for teaching me that an ego-driven life is the route to unhappiness.

Here is my revised work.

“Thank You, Narcissist”

Thank you to the one who cheated on me while I was at a friend’s funeral.

Thank you to the one who said I was disruptive in my own business.

Thank you to the one who shouted at me on my birthday.

Thank you to the one who told me to stop talking because I was boring.

Thank you to the one who read out all the calories in my meals after I’d admitted to an eating disorder.

Thank you to the one who said my body wasn’t as good as his.

Thank you to the one who said I shouldn’t wear my hair like that.

Thank you to the one who said I wasn’t qualified.

Thank you to the one who yelled at me right before an important meeting, and made me cry so much I couldn’t go.

Thank you to the one who said I should only wear what he picked out for me.

Thank you to the one who cheated and said it was my fault.

Thank you to the one who abused me and laughed about it.

Thank you to the ones who said I always made it about me.

Thank you to the one who shouted at me in front of my colleagues.

Thank you to the one who pretended everything was his idea.

Thank you to the one who said I cheated in the hardest workout I’d ever done.

Thank you to the one who impersonated me online.

Thank you to the one who stole from me.

Thank you to the one who expected me to pay for everything and never, ever paid me back.

Thank you to the ones who think flowers and a card full of BS make everything okay.

Thank you to the one who took me out for dinner, then charged me for my meal when I wouldn’t take him back.

Thank you to the one who lied about having a restraining order against someone…when really she had one against him.

Thank you to the one who wrote me abusive messages at 3am.

Thank you to the one who threatened to abduct me.

Thank you to the vetting officer who thought it was okay to hit on me after I’d left because a colleague abused me.

Thank you to the government who failed to protect me but stands behind a serial abuser to this day.

Thank you to the ones masquerading as ‘a nice guy’ who declare in private they are really narcissistic sociopaths.

Thank you to the ones who made us doubt ourselves.

Thank you to the ones who made us walk with our heads down.

Thank you to the ones who made us think we were worthless.

Thank you to the ones who never, ever said sorry.

Thank you as we turn our backs on you, and we walk away.